A couple of days ago, I had one of those breakthrough moments, an epiphany, and wrote about it in my paper journal. However, it stayed on my mind and basically, I felt, begged to be shared. I posted it to a semi-private blog I keep at OpenDiary.com for my nearest and dearest friends to read. Still, I felt like I should put it “out there” in a more public forum, but I wanted to keep a bit of anonymity, and so, after going back and forth with myself whether I would continue to have anything of merit to say, I decided to start this blog.
Without further adieu, the entry that started it all:
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
“Though life may be still, it is still life”
In the haze of afternoon, when my body and mind beg for a nap, almost always, that thought blasted to the forefront and woke me up. It stuck with me. I’ve been home for well over an hour and a half.
It was one of those bolt-from-the-blue moments, what Oprah calls “Aha!” moments.
For a long time, I’ve felt like my life was on pause, at a standstill. Because I have wanted to get on with the business of living, to move on and far away from my past and live independently, on my own terms. Because I’m in a job that isn’t a good fit for me, but I stay so I can finance moving on. Because I still worry about what my parents think about what I do or say or think,even though I’m an adult, since I still live with them. Because, for the longest time, I was not independently mobile and, because no one wanted to teach me to drive, was making no progress to achieve that goal. (Thankfully, I have been since August of this year.)
Life hasn’t been at a standstill. It’s been marching right on, right under my near-sighted nose! I only feel like it has been at a standstill because I’ve been slowly moving through so many growing pains, almost imperceptibly. It’s not been going fast enough for my liking, but it is still life.
Instead of hunkering down and waiting impatiently for the time for my “real life”–i.e. the Big Move, and living by my own terms alone–to start, I should be living this life as it goes. Duh!
This transitional period of my life has already effected sweeping internal changes in me.
I’ve lost the fear associated with leaving behind my childhood’s religious beliefs and fears because I felt they weren’t the truth, muchless my truth, and have embarked on a new voyage of spiritual exploration, free of the fear that doing so will bring swift, Divine punishment. On the contrary, I feel closer to God/the Divine than ever.
I’ve learned valuable money lessons on savings, and shopping.
I’ve become much more physically healthy, though I still have much work to do.
I’ve begun to be mindful of what my lifestyle does to the Earth, and have begun trying to reduce the damage it causes, as every little bit helps.
I’ve become more vigilant about the foods I allow into my body.
I’ve tapped the power of healing from within, and healing by means that have been passed down since time immemorial.
I’ve learned to better appreciate the simple pleasures, like a lazy afternoon spent in bed with a book, spending time in nature, or my “nephew” William’s giggles.
From the outside looking in, I live a quite boring life. I go to work, I come home, I shop, I occasionally go someplace to be outside, or to church to appease my parents. But I also have a rich inner life, and, occasionally, deep conversations. I read and appreciate good books,good movies, good music. I creat art, photography, writing. I think deeply and feel deeply, and learn. I hone my intuition and empathic skills. I practice strengthening my other senses for a fuller experience.
My life appears still, but it is, indeed, still life…So it would behoove me to attempt to enjoy it instead of fighting against it.