For most of the year, I’ve thought I had a plan for the coming year, 2009. But, as things often go with me, I’m now wondering if that plan is what I need to be doing.
For weeks now, I’ve had Portland, Oregon cropping up in my dreams. Sometimes it’s via road signs, which I see ahead of me as I drive, and pass. Sometimes it’s a map of Oregon, and sometimes Portland is circled. Sometimes my dream self says somethig about it: “Oh, I love living in Portland” (and know I’m talking about Oregon), “Mom, Dad, I’m moving to Portland, Oregon, not Asheville, North Carolina,” or similar. I used to dream about Asheville, and, before that, California. Sometimes, I just see forests–lush forests–and rain or snow, and my dream self knows she is near Portland.
Can I trust my intuition, my dreams anymore? Am I to go to Asheville first, and then Portland? Should I go, fly or fail, straight to Portland?
Making it eerier, and bringing on this entry here, instead of merely in my paper journal, my good friend, and soul sister, Miranda is thinking about Portland as well. We hadn’t spoken in a little while, and then I found out via her most recent blog entry, on her Members Only blog at OpenDiary, that we’d both been thinking about it, and, in my case at least, dreaming vividly about it, apartment and all.
So, I’ve been thinking this week about it. I’ve come here, and started to write about it, then erased it because I know how crazy it sounds to be changing plans. But maybe I didn’t start laying the groundwork for Asheville earlier–the real groundwork–because, deep down, I didn’t want to go there. Not really. Maybe. But maybe it was just a geographically closer stand-in for someplace else.
I looked up a few of these repetitive dream symbols in my dream dictionary (Dreams: The Dictionary: Understanding your dreams and their meanings by Rose Inserra) to see if that would shed any light (emphasis in the following meanings is mine):
Road: Like a path, a road in your dream describes your direction or approach to something in your life… [The] road ahead is your future…
Town: Towns are places where there is a strong sense of community and a great deal of social interaction going on…If you see yourself in a strange town, it may mean that you don’t yet feel comfortable in a new environment. The new town may also stand for a side of yourself that you haven’t accepted yet…
Map: Dreaming of a map indicates that you long for direction. What direction do you wish to take in life? How can you best move forward with your ambitions or goals?…If you can read the map, and it leads you to somewhere you wish to go, it means that you are your own guide and that you will reach your goals at your pace and by your standards.
Forest: …In psychological terms, a forest is a symbol of testing and of coming to terms with our true natures…The trees are part of the nature that makes up the forest and each of us must come to terms with his or her nature.
Rain: Traditionally, rain was associated with troubled times ahead, depending on the extent of the rain…However, today we see rain in a more positive light. It refreshes us in times of drought and releases pent up emotions that we’ve held in for too long. This action serves to heal us and make us feel better. Therefore, dreaming of rain could be a sign of your longing for release and new life in a situation that is stagnant at the present time.
Snow: Emotionally, snow indicates coldness and in this context the dream may be pointing out the need for you to thaw a little…Snow is also associated with purity, beauty, and a soft texture, while its presence can give a new perspective on something ordinary…Sometimes snow can be associated with romance…
All of these make perfect sense in the context of where I am right now in life. If the road ahead is my future, should I take it literally? Is Portland my future? It does seem to have “a strong sense of community” from the information I’ve gleaned in the scant research I’ve attempted this week, and I think I could fit in there. The interpretation of the map symbol is spot on, and puts my mind at ease. Perhaps the testing in relation to the forest is the test of whether I will truy be able to live independently, whether I end up in Portland or not. When I move next year, that will be the first time that I’ll have attempted that particular feat. In relation to the rain, I do long for release and a new life, and my situation where I am is most certainly stagnant. That may be an understatement. The thing I have to come to terms with, I know, is fear, and how much I let it hold me back. The snow could indicate that I need to thaw said fear’s icy hold, and maybe I’ll get a new perspective on myself. Part of me also wishes for the romance.
I am trying not to take this all too literally, however. Especially the road being my future. I know that these dreams are only indicative of the path I’m on right now, and any decision could, inadvertently, put me on a different path.
That said, in the next day or two, I’m going to attempt to apply some logic to the situation. Namely, I’m going to make a list of qualities and characteristics I want in a city, a city I will call “Home”, and also what I want in a job while I’m at it. You know, like some people make lists of qualities of their perfect husband/wife, etc. Then, I can set about comparing places and jobs to the lists and see what kind of results that yields.