I’ve been reading in Joyce and River Higgenbotham’s book, Paganism: An Introduction to Earth-Centered Religions, trying to finish it up as I’ve been reading bits and pieces for months, and stumbled across a brilliant concept.
(In my house, this particular book is contraband, so I’ve been reading it when I’m sure no one’s going to pop into my room and pester me, which is not often.)
In the chapter on magick, they describe what they call “magickal pages”, intuitions, impressions, internal pulls toward something, synchronicities, coincidences, etc.
It hit me, then, that I’ve been getting quite a lot of pages from the Universe in recent months, culminating in the last few weeks full, absolutely full, of synchronicities and the unrelenting, intuitive pull I feel to move forward with my desire to move out and away from my parents into my own life.
I’ve been drawn to books and to music that keep cropping up with similar messages, all revolving around this: “Go on…Become yourself. Begin building your life, not the one others want you to build or the one you think others want you to build. It’s alright. The Universe will support you if you trust it.”
Just today, a sampling of words my eyes have fallen upon:
“The creativity of the universe is limitless, so let it line things up for you in its own way.” — Joyce and River Higgenbotham, Paganism: An Introduction to Earth-Centered Religions, p. 172
“Trust yourself. It’s easy to dismiss intuitive urgings, to write them off as imagination and daydreams, to put down your abilities because they’re just so, well, ordinary.” — Joyce and River Higgenbotham, Paganism: An Introduction to Earth-Centered Religions, p. 192
“My heart guides me tenderly and truly. I find ways through the wilderness. My heart finds paths through the desert.” — Julia Cameron, as quoted in This Time I Dance!: Creating the Work You Love by Tama J. Kieves on page 94 (Which book was a Christmas gift from one of my best friends, and which I began reading the middle of this past week.)
“To be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves.” — Clarissa Pinkola Estés, as quoted in This Time I Dance!: Creating the Work You Love by Tama J. Kieves on page 109
“You can tingle with anticipation or anxiety. Either way, you’re probably in for some tingling, some reshaping of your energy. If you choose to embrace your process instead of fight it, it’s less likely to throw you from one side of the room to the other. Trade in that label for a ticket. One explains you properly and makes you a perfectly conventional guest at a cocktail party; the other is the price of admission to a dance of no regret and no turning back. Sure, the place between places is awkward and different and people may look at you funny. But freedom always enters ordinary rooms flaunting exotic robes.” — Tama J. Kieves, This Time I Dance!: Creating the Work You Love, p. 108
“Ideally, going from one sure thing to the next can be a financially sound principle. Yet for people who are burned out, who are doing work that’s harmful to their well-being or being victimized by a crazy manager, staying in that situation compromises not only their self-worth but also their ability to create a new vision for a positive future. For many people, releasing themselves from a pathological bondage and investing time in their development pays off profoundly. Taking the opportunity to get clear on a new direction can save you a lot of backtracking or heartache later. Often transformation cannot begin without this willingness to liberate ourselves from what’s impeding our growth and happiness.” — Gail McMeekin, The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women, pp. 62-63
“When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.” — Barbara Winter
Lyrics from songs that constantly run in my various media players and my own head:
“Come on, come out, the weather is warm / Come on, come out, said come on, come out / A spot in the shade where oranges fall / A spot in the shade away from it all / Watching the sky, you’re watching a painting / Coming to life, shifting and shaping / Staying inside, it all goes, all goes by” — A Fine Frenzy, “Come On, Come Out”, One Cell In the Sea
“Run away from all your boredom / Run away from all your whoredom / And wave worries and cares goodbye / All it takes is one decision / A lot of guts, and a little vision / To wave worries and cares goodbye” — Placebo, “Slave to the Wage,” Black Market Music and Once More With Feeling: Singles 1996-2004
“Trampled moss on your souls / Changes all you’re a part / Seen it all / Not at all / Can’t defend f*cked up man / Take me for a ride before we leave / Avalanche fallin’ fast / Guided winds, happenstance / Off the track, in the mud / That’s the moss in the aforementioned verse / Just a little time before we leave / … / What’s your part? / Who you are / You are who, who you are.” — Pearl Jam, “Who Are You,” rearviewmirror: Greatest Hits 1991-2003, Disc 2
There are many, many more. All, in some way, feeling like confirmations.
Truthfully, I feel trapped in my job. I agreed to stay until my boss’s retirement when I began in 2007, but he projected his retirement for the end of January 2009. For the past six months, every month that retirement date gets later. Now it’s set for the end of June this year, and will, undoubtedly, be extended again. Not only does the end of the tunnel get further away with each passing day, but it’s a job that leaves me feeling smothered under the weight of it, for various reasons.
When I went into it, I told myself that though it wasn’t the best fit for my abilities and temperament, it would be temporary, merely a means of making enough money to save up the nest egg I would need to move away, and that it was–and is–the best job I could get here. It’s not that it’s a terrible job in and of itself, or that my boss is a tyrant. It may be the perfect job for someone else, it’s just not the right one for me. As for my boss, he is merely nervous about this changing stage in his life, and so he’s putting it off. He doesn’t like change very much, and this would be probably the biggest change he’s had in his life for two or three decades at least.
Not only have I felt trapped in my job, but I’ve felt trapped by my family. They mean well with their meddling, with their frequent arguments that it would be wiser for me to simply move out into an apartment locally and find a job doing the same thing I do now in another office. They worry about my desire to get out of town with the economy the way it is, moving away from the familial safety net.
They don’t understand how I feel. I feel like, if I stay just because of that, the familial safety net will not be a safety net at all, but a noose. They don’t really know me. It’s partly my fault that that’s the case, as I haven’t been unguarded with them, but, at the same time, there are things they will not accept–at least, not easily–in members of their own family.
Religion and spirituality are huge sore spots of mine where they’re concerned, as my family is comprised of–by and large–evangelical Christians with a fairly traditional, literalist view of the Bible. Being such, they think the rest of the family should be as well, and will preach at the black sheep. Meanwhile, I feel like I can’t go on acting like I am one of them, but I don’t want the lectures, either, as I am already very familiar with their arguments.
I’m kind of viewed as a naive, flaky idealist who values psychological fulfillment over money and security, and, thus, will meet my demise unless someone talks some sense into me. They’ve been taught, and believe, that you can’t make a living doing what you love. You just have to make a living doing what you are qualified to do that pays the best, and save what you love for hobbies. Of course you can’t make a living doing what you love if you believe you can’t! If you believe you can’t, you won’t even try!
Against this backdrop, I’m still feeling an intuitive pull to Portland, as in Oregon. That dovetails well with my nearly lifelong intuitive pull West. I’ve even got an idea of what I would like to do once there: work at Powell’s Books. The main store occupies an entire city block! Plus there are smaller branches of the store in the area. I have an endless, boundless, lifelong passion for books. Working there would be like heaven! On the side, I could maybe further explore my areas of creative interest, and, if I’m really productive and really lucky, sell some of them! I don’t require a lot of “stuff.” I won’t need a palatial apartment, just someplace I can put a bed, with a basic bathroom, and with a small kitchen. Surely I can make enough money to provide myself a basic, if miniscule, apartment.
I’m trying to find a favorable week to make an exploratory trip out there to look for apartments and put in work applications. This is proving a bit of a challenge, but what will be more challenging will be telling my parents, both of the exploratory trip–alone–and my plans to relocate there if all goes well–again, alone.
How can I explain intuitive pulls and universal pages to them? How can I say that this is what it seems my heart wants, and I at least have to see where it takes me? How can I make it sound logical, when it’s not wholly logical?
I can’t. I can’t make it sound like anything other than what it is.
I am scared that my people-pleaser side, which has dominated so much of my life seeking others’ approval, will win out in the face of familial, fear-based opposition. I know that my worrywart mother is going to put up the fiercest fight, a fight I would rather not have.
At the same time, I know I can’t spend my whole life afraid, especially being afraid of someone else’s fears that aren’t even my own. I can’t please everyone. I know that if I don’t at least go and see what happens, I will regret it. If I fail, I can come home and start over. If I succeed, I have the feeling I will be happy beyond measure as I will be living an authentic life of my own choosing and making rather than limiting that to a small corner while I try to be what everyone else in my life wants.
Trust and courage are my guide words for this year, and it seems the Universe agrees with me. So now all that’s left to do is take a deep breath, screw up my trust and courage, and dive in. I have to answer these pages from the Universe.