I have pulled up the screen to write here every day since I posted my May dreamboard, and days before that. But, the second the text box was fully loaded, my head emptied and all that was left was an irrepressible restlessness.
That restlessness is precisely what I was longing to describe. It’s an itch, a yearning, an ache, a hum of energy along my skin. It’s a force demanding movement and change, tempting me with whispered promises of sunny afternoons outdoors with friends, with road trips, with a bright and brilliant future in whatever I want to do and wherever I want to do it among other things.
But…(Isn’t there always a “but”?)…It’s battling with “rationality,” with obligations, hurdles, and fear. It’s four against one, and, right now, restlessness is losing, though it is making itself quite a powerful pest and impediment in my efforts to get anything done towards my obligations, especially at work.
Speaking of hurdles…Road trips are delayed right now as my mechanic is in the process of moving shop, and I don’t relish driving distance in or through Kentucky in May with no air conditioning and two of my windows stuck in an “up” position. Besides which I also desperately need an oil change. This being a small town, there aren’t that many mechanics, period, and the one I use does really good work and at lower prices, so the patience in this arena will pay, as does loyalty to your mechanic.
This explanation doesn’t satisfy the restlessness, though. If the restlessness had its way, I’d literally sprout wings and fly wherever I wanted to go. It’s driving me up the proverbial wall, not being able to just leave when I feel like it.
Along with the restlessness, and perhaps the cause, or at least the catalyst of it, I’ve been grappling with some things I’ve chosen to air in more private venues. (Like my paper journal.) They’re nothing groundbreaking, but putting them into words fit for public consumption has been elusive. As most of us do from time to time, I’ve been facing down personal bugbears like my Shadow (in the Jungian, psychological sense), self-doubt, living with authenticity and honesty vs. people pleasing, disquiet, discontentment, and the raging battle between my inner reservoirs of optimism and the trained army of pessimism by which I’m surrounded and which has continually tried to bring me over into its doom-and-gloom ranks.
No doubt, I am about to make some changes. (Either that, or go insane.) What remains unsettled right now, grappling with restlessness that wants what it wants and purports to be on the side of “Heart” in the conflict between it and “Head”, are the details of when, where, and especially how.
Truthfully, I’m not even completely sure I know exactly what the restlessness wants of me. I have lots of good guesses, and they’re probably all included, but I get the feeling there’s something also wrapped up in the restlessness of which I’m not yet consciously aware.
I suppose the only thing to do is to give the restlessness its space and hope it will reveal its secrets. Some quiet time wouldn’t hurt, either.