For the first time, I feel peaceful with where I am, and that sense of peace and release nearly brought me to tears earlier today.
Rather than my situation necessarily changing, it seems that I changed, or at least my viewpoint and attitude changed.
This morning, I went out to my car to find it wouldn’t start. At first, I panicked. Then I walked inside, had to laugh, and asked Mom to drive me to work. At first she wanted to see if she could start it so I could drive, as she didn’t want to scoot over the cupcakes she’d made for Vacation Bible School at her church. (Right now the only vehicle owned between Mom, Dad, and me that runs is Dad’s little Mazda truck.) I told her no, that I was not going to risk it quitting in the middle of the road on me, and that I didn’t mind riding amidst cupcakes, nor would I let them go flying at stoplights and such.
By the time I’d gotten to work, I’d accepted it. Of course, I hope this is going to be a relatively inexpensive repair. Guesses off the top of my head are that it’s a problem with the battery, which is still under warranty, I think, or the alternator, which is less expensive than what happened last time with the air conditioning system. I mean, it wouldn’t even crank, and that is what happened when I had to replace the original battery. (When I bought it, yes, it still had the original battery.) Even if it isn’t, though, whatever is wrong with it is wrong with it. I either have to pay for the repair or not have a car, the latter of which is not an option here, and especially not if I want any sort of independence. If it’s going to be as expensive or moreso to fix than buying a new car, then I suppose I will be dipping into my savings and buying a new car. Where I live right now, the layout of the town and county is not conducive to living without a car, as it’s not safe to walk or bike most places unless you want to be a pancake on the highway, and I do not. Furthermore, moving out–to anywhere–isn’t an option without a car, as I’d have no way to get me and my stuff there.
Essentially, it is what it is.
Given the expense of the car repairs to the air conditioning system last week, plus the potential expense of this one, I’ve decided to ride the sinking ship that is work down. Plus, there’s a new retirement date for my boss, and I think he might actually stick to it this time: September 1st. That alone takes a load off, to be decided on current occupational issues. And, really, a lot of the problems I have with my current job are directly resultant of me taking things personally, which I need to learn to stop doing anyway. How clients act has very little to do with me, and more to do with them and the upheaval going on their lives that has driven them to seek an attorney. A lot of times I lose sight of that, but that is how it is. Also, being able to draw unemployment until I establish myself elsewhere would be helpful, and I can’t do that if I quit.
My life here isn’t all bad, either. I have the lake, which is, for me, absolutely sacred space. I now have the writing alliance and kick-in-the-tush novel-writing partnership with deadlines and structure with my friend, Misty. Since my boss is a trustee, I also now have run of a certain Boy Scout Camp and, therefore, sections of a certain old growth forest, to take pictures for him, as he wants some pictures taken of the camp and forest during seasons other than Fall, and, according to him, can never get any of his to come out the way he wants them. (I love wandering around there! It’s so peaceful and relaxing.) I can take small weekend trips and get together with my friends who still live around the ‘Burg: Ryan, Melody, Tamara, and Brandon. There are a couple of nearby state parks I haven’t yet explored, plus the Falls. Oh, and let’s not forget the unbearable cuteness of my honorary nephews: Liam, Alex, and Brady.
After Saturday morning spent at the lake, standing in the edge of the water and feeling the lake breeze play across my skin, I’ve been wondering if I really do want to move into a city. I like trees and fresh air and bodies of water. I’m not a huge fan of a jungle formed of concrete, asphalt, metal, and glass.
Maybe I’d just like to live nearer a metropolitan area, like a half hour to an hour and a half away in a satellite town or suburb, so the benefits of the city would be close by, but I would have more quiet in which to sleep at night and less reflective surfaces for light to bounce off of and give me migraines, more room in which to wander around in nature, and, most likely, a lower cost of living…Supposing I could find a job in one of said satellite towns. Really, though, thinking about it, with more population it would make sense that there would be more competition for jobs, and, besides, if worse came to worse, I could become one of those dreaded commuters, and depending on the satellite town or suburb, and the city in question, I may be able to commute by train or bus and read a book on the way. Maybe this is why I’ve been so frantic and undecided about where to move.
Any way I slice it, it’s something to think about and explore, since right now I’m not sure where to go and what to do next.
Basically, everything I’ve been going through for the past few years boils down to the oft-quoted Jungian saying, “What you resist, persists.” Or:
“We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate. It oppresses.” — Carl Jung
It’s like swimming against a current or riptide: all this struggling and railing against the way things are isn’t getting me anywhere but worn out. It’s brought nothing but nightmares, stress, and discontentment, and a general, but not constant, inability to see the forest for the trees where happiness–even if only in small snatches–is concerned.
Why couldn’t I figure that out three years ago?
Even if I don’t get to move away from this town right away after my boss’s retirement, it is within my power to move out of my parents’ house. (Don’t get me wrong, I still hope to move away, but life may intervene on that point.) I’ve been afraid of doing that, afraid of being trapped here, but maybe that’s what needs to happen. Just having my own space, my own place to call home, would be a relief from a lot of what has been plaguing me.
We shall see. I’m shooting for the stars, but maybe a layover on a mountaintop has to come first. Maybe if I can loosen my death grip on things, if I can let go, where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be doing will finally come to me with a clarity that I can’t ignore, that even the more “logical” side of myself can’t argue with.