In fact, today, I wondered if I’ve ever been more besieged by uncertainty and directionlessness as I am now.
Luckily, I’ve been reading the perfect thing to be reading when one is besieged by uncertainty: Pema Chodron’s The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times.
One quote from the aforementioned book that really sticks out is this:
“…[We] can never know what will happen to us next. We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it’s also what makes us afraid.” (Chodron, p. 8 )
“We need to be told that fear and trembling accompany growing up and that letting go takes courage.” (Chodron, p. 13)
Truer words, I don’t think, have ever been spoken…Or written, as it were.
I mean, this week has me calling everything into question. What do I want to do with my life? Where should I go and what should I do after my boss retires and the office closes at the end of September or early October? Did I make the right call, getting my degree in English Literature, just because I loved it? Should I go to graduate school? Should I go back to university for something entirely different? I’m not getting any younger, so will I ever fall in love and be loved? Can a man love me the way I am, or do I need to try to learn to play “the game” and be someone else? What about the childhood dream of becoming a writer? What if that’s just another pipe dream? And what to do in the meantime? It takes time to become so successful a writer as to not need a day job, not to mention I haven’t been one for writing as of late. And what about that handful of dreams I had last year in which my late Grana told me I was a healer?
And on it goes…
I feel disconnected from my purpose. I used to think I knew, but, now, I’m not so sure…
Yes, lots of uncertainty, but the only way out is through, and that drive out and through will be made much easier if I can sit with Uncertainty in the passenger seat without getting my feathers too ruffled. So I practice sitting with uncertainty and hope for the best.