Experiencing the Darkness of the Solstice

“It’s horrid to see you again
“So bored of being you…
“It’s horrid to see you again
“So full of apathy…
“It’s horrid to see you again
“Caught in a trap that you cannot escape…”
Placebo, excerpts from “Lazarus,” from the album Meds

Yesterday, and again today, I feel like the person that song is talking about.

There is so much in my life right now that I am sick of, and, as a result, I’ve fallen into alternating waves of bottled-up rage and outward and inward apathy.

I’m basically warring with myself, as I have been for quite a long while.  The only way I can get out of this, to even begin to step toward the life I long for, it seems, is to step on some toes and/or burn some bridges, which I’ve not been wanting to do since I don’t, at this point, have anywhere else to go and anything else to do that will provide money on which to live.

I have, once again, let myself become the victim of my own obsessive drive to try to please everyone and to be perfect as possible, at least outwardly.  Somewhere along the line, I got the message loud and clear that “good girls” do their best to make everyone happy.  That sunk in and is so insidious and difficult to rid myself of.  The clause that went with that, the caveat that, unfortunately, even your best will not make everyone happy, will not please everyone, didn’t make it in.

I have felt so worn out this whole holiday season, just worn out and used up and overstimulated.  It feels like I can’t catch a break in that department!

My job is making increasingly stressful, and, at times, ludicrous, demands upon me.  I can’t quit, though.  I just had to shell out over $500.00 in car repairs yesterday, and there are also the usual holiday expenses, plus car insurance premiums next month.  I need a few more paychecks if the business doesn’t go belly-up before then.  (That’s another thing, for this whole year I’ve been jerked around in that department, never knowing from one month to the next if I’m going to be employed, but, at the same time, being expected to go down with the ship.  Whole other story, best told in the privacy of my paper journal, but that’s it in a nutshell.)  I also need to get a good reference out of it so I can get a job afterward.  Some days, it’s not so bad, some days not bad at all, but those days are much fewer in number than the crazy-making variety.

Then there’s the general stress that comes with the holidays for us grown-ups with people-pleasing issues: cleaning, shopping for or making gifts that you hope and pray the recipients will like, hoping you haven’t forgotten anyone on your holiday card list, etc.

It’s winter.  I want to slow down, but  work and culture demand I speed up.

This year, it seems like the Solstice, for me, has been more about meeting the Shadow Self and dealing with the dark aspects of myself and my life than focusing on the rebirth of the Light.  I didn’t even formally observe it yesterday.  I just let my Shadow Self do its shouting.

I know I need to let go of a lot of things, perfectionism and the people in my life who only support me insofar as I meet their wants and needs among them.  But it’s difficult…So very difficult.

Even contemplating making this post public is difficult, but being vulnerable, and showing that I am not, in fact, perfect as society views perfect, is part of being authentically human.  I don’t want those who stumble across this blog to think I’m always Little Miss Mary Sunshine, and, in turn, feel bad about themselves because they are not.  (I’ve been there.)  I don’t want them to feel I’ve always got some deep thought to share, or that most of the times I write are posts for participation in dreamboards, Wishcasting, Sacred Life Sunday (which, incidentally, I haven’t done lately), or book clubs.  Yes, those are the times I’m most apt to write, but it’s also because I’m often afraid to show the soft, squishy bits.  (I’ve had a lot of days in the past year of feeling soft and squishy, vulnerable, and introverted.)  I want people to know that, like everyone else, yes, I do have a Shadow Self to deal with, and, no, that’s not always easy.

Am I looking forward to the return of the Light?  Yes.  But I’m also in the process of recreating myself, and that is not a bright and shiny process since I have to come apart in some way, to tear down the parts that aren’t working and put them back together in a new configuration that will, hopefully, work better.  That entails a lot of wrestling with figurative angels, and also with the fearful parts of myself.

Please bear with me as I ride this rollercoaster.

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