Choking fear is back again, along with the renewed sense of uncertainty at the office.
I worry that, by spending 3 1/2 years in this job, my first full-time job, I’ve painted myself into a corner. I worry that I had already painted myself into a corner by my choice of degree: a B.A. in English Literature, without an education degree. (Not that an education degree would have helped me where I am, since the school districts have their fill of English teachers.)
Every time I go to sign into my email, almost every time I turn the news on in the morning, I am confronted by pieces on how to find a job in this recession. Most of them suggest that one needs highly specialized skills, hefty experience, and an ability to “sell themselves” to an employer as though they are a car in order to get a job in this market. I have none of those things. I have never been good at selling things (I bombed at the fund-raising we all did as children for our clubs and extra-curricular activities), and I hate the idea of selling myself, besides. I am not, by nature, highly competitive. I don’t have highly specialized skills or an advanced degree. I don’t have an impressive resume or Curriculum Vitae.
So where does that leave me and others like me in the current job market?
This is one of the things that keeps me awake at night.
I am trying to breathe through the fear and the panic, to believe that, somehow, things will work out. I am trying to avoid or ignore the articles and the televised news pieces that are inciting this sort of fear and panic for me.
I am reminding myself that I am not stupid, that I am generally a quick study when learning new things, and I am curious by nature, which helps me be a quick study. I hope this will be enough to allow me to find a job when this one ends. I want to believe it will.
Then there is uncertainty about my next physical move, and fear associated with that. To go for the big, crazy dream right away, or try to find an intermediate place to hang my hat for a while? That is the question. This is another thing that keeps me awake at night.
Life’s not all bad, not all choking fear, insomnia, and uncertainty right now, though. There are things in my life to look forward to as well.
There is the tide of creativity I can feel bubbling up. I’d say, right now, it’s at a simmer, to make a cooking analogy, but if it keeps going as it is, it won’t be long before it boils over. That is exciting! Well, assuming I can stay out of my own way, that is, which I am going to try my best to do.
I plan on joining in on Jen Lee‘s upcoming write-through of Take Me With You: A Journal for the Journey. My copy arrived yesterday, and I gave it a peek. It looks like it’s going to be a lot of fun, and really good at pulling some stories out of me!
I am and will be working through The Artist’s Way, which I began two days ago on Sunday.
Soon the new year will dawn, a chance to put 2009 to rest and begin afresh.
Once this job does end–whenever that is–I will be free to leave and start over.
Every day brings a little bit more daylight, literally.
These are just a few of the good things rising, the ones I know about.
Having reminded myself of the good things coming up, I feel better. There’s another skill to add to my skills set: the ability to write myself out of an emotional tailspin, in this case out of Fear’s chokehold.