What leap do you wish to take?
To establish how timely this is, I give you pages from my art journal that I created yesterday. Behold, a woman readying herself for a leap:
I wish to take the leap of faith that I’ve been afraid of, the leap out of the current circumstances in my life that are not working–my job, living with my parents in this teeny, tiny town–and into the life that haunts my dreams and daydreams.
I wish to leap out of my current job, as keeping it is not good for me, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. I thought I could stick it out, but in the past few weeks, it has become abundantly clear that I can’t…Maybe for a little while, but not indefinitely. It may be fine for others. It is just not working for me, not at all.
As for living with my parents, and the town in which we live, first and foremost I don’t fit in. I don’t know how to relate to people here. I grew up here, yes, but I’ve never fit in. I’m the one constantly accused of having her head in the clouds, because I dare dream beyond the limitations of this particular town and its customs and economy. I’ve been continually heckled because I was more interested in academia than the usual tween and teenage pursuits, because I can’t seem to “dumb myself down,” and because people think I am “uppity” simply because I honestly don’t know what to say to them since I have interests wildly divergent from theirs. I am not and cannot force myself to be a conservative, evangelical Christian, which is the dominant religious/spiritual orientation here, and this is especially true of my family. I don’t want to hurry up and get married, not that I have sparked with anyone here. (I haven’t.) The job I have, or others like it at different firms, is the best I can hope to do, as far as employment goes here, given the degree I have, a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature (without a Secondary Education degree). Plus, I feel I often have to hide parts of myself, as I am too open to many different spiritual paths and ways of being for my family’s liking (or the culture’s, for that matter). I love how Mama Nature shows up here, and how things are close by and there’s less traffic, but that’s about it for the things I really like. They don’t balance out the things that rankle, nor most of my life spent knowing that I don’t belong here.
I have a financial cushion now, a nice one. I’ve done relevant research (as much as I can do without going there). I’ve just not yet amassed the courage to take the leap. I have been afraid of leaping jobless into this economy. I’ve been afraid of familial censure, because the place that calls to me is across the country, and they don’t even want me to leave this region of the state. But I can’t stay where I am. Down deep in my bones I know I can’t maintain the status quo if I ever want to reach my potential, if I ever want to be truly happy. At the very least, I have to go see what’s out there. If I fail, if I end up in a situation that forces me to come back here, at least I will know I tried.
Those are the leaps I wish to take, all leaps of faith, leaps of faith in myself and an abundant, providential Universe.