So, today is the Summer Solstice, the longest day, the most hours of daylight…All sorts of astrological and spiritual and seasonal significance attributed to this day.
I had grand plans of taking a picnic supper up to the lake this evening, walking along the beach area, wading out and releasing a couple of tiger lilies to float as a sort of offering, and perhaps saying a special prayer.
Then this morning found me at work quietly falling apart at my desk, waiting for my boss to come so I would have to force myself to buck up and get on with things. The anxiety crept up, then slammed me flat. I hate that. I hate how it makes me feel like I’m smothering. I hate all the awful self-talk, and feeling tiny and terrified. Most of it, when I’m not in the throws of it, is baseless, but some of it isn’t. Some of what makes me feel so anxious and terrified are things beyond my control.
If I leap, will the proverbial net indeed appear? I don’t know. That’s out of my control, other than the financial cushion I’ll have firmly secured to my figurative posterior, which may prove to be sufficient cushioning for any blows or may not. How will my family react? Not well, assuredly, but how badly will they take it when I finally say I must leave, and that there isn’t anyone to go with me? I don’t know. I have no control over that. I don’t even entirely understand why they’re so hell-bent on keeping me rooted here.
Oh, and the old favorite: what am I going to do with my life? Always in a career sense, and I am still unsure. There are things I’d like to do, but they will not be profitable at this point. I have miles to go before I reach them, so what to do in the meantime? Yet another question I can’t answer from where I’m sitting.
I like plans. I like solid, logically-defensible plans. That’s probably why I find leaps of faith so terrifying. And isn’t it a fine line between a leap of faith and a flight of fancy?
By the time work was over, I again wanted to carry through my original solstice plan. Even more so, actually. But, I got in the car and the radio was broadcasting a severe thunderstorm warning for the county as the sirens went off downtown also heralding that. The storm clouds were already rolling in. The plan was again aborted. The lake here is not someplace you want to be when there’s a storm rolling in. Trust me.
So, here I sit. I’ve done a short restorative yoga practice. I’ve surpassed my 800 words for 21.5.800 today. (Keep in mind, I’m a week behind in the challenge, but keeping up on the daily level.) I have a soy candle lit on my altar, a willow blossom scented white one. My sheets were dried in the sun yesterday and still hold its scent. Clouds and drizzle are outside my window.
In a bit, I will take a nice long bath. I will ponder the good things that the anxiety shook loose, things I’m unsure of sharing just yet. In honor of the first day of summer and sandal weather, I will give myself a mani-pedi, painting my nails fire engine red. I will write in my journal. I will listen to Placebo‘s Battle for the Sun, because right now I need it. I will consciously breathe.
Tonight I will pray, and I will sleep and I will dream, holding hope and faith with both hands.