Yesterday, anxiety crushed me, and I’m still struggling against it today.  I’m not sure about what forms the bedrock of that anxiety, though I suspect it is a lack of faith, both in myself and in Divine benevolence and providence.

I definitely understand the lack of faith in myself, because I look around at my friends and former classmates and I feel so small and so behind and so worthless because I feel like they’re so much further along in their lives than I am.  They are chasing dreams, living independently, getting married, buying houses, and having children.  I’m not there.  I’m so not there.  I don’t even know how to get to most of those places from here.

I am not sure what’s at the root of my lack of faith in Divine benevolence and providence.  I have no idea, but I’m going to keep digging until I find out.

I wish I knew how to truly relate and connect to more than one local.  I do better when I get to see and hang out with friends in person.

Though I’ve dreamed of it since I learned to write, I often feel like I can’t be a writer.   More specifically, I used to want to be a novelist, and still, deep down, I want to.   The blank page scares me.  Shitty first drafts scare me.   I feel like I have no stories to tell, nothing to say through characters, plot, and setting.   And, yet, I write all the time.  I’m finding, through 21.5.800, that it is ridiculously easy for me to write 800 words in a day.  That’s, like, morning pages and a blog post, or morning pages and the pre-bed paper journal mental dump.  I cranked out over six hundred in a fifteen minute free write half an hour ago.  If only I could apply that to writing around a cohesive theme, be that fiction or nonfiction, something that I could turn into a book.  I’m working on it, on trying to show up, then, perhaps later this week, on trying to just let a story come through free of judgments.   I’ll see how it goes.  Mainly, I just want to show up.

I haven’t had an adequate dose of nature time since April.  I get cranky, anxious, and weepy if I don’t get adequate time alone outdoors.    I’m not a fun person to be around right now, least to say.

I am tired, so I think I’ll take my leave.

Categories: 21.5.800, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Confessions

  1. Sean

    Quit comparing yourself to other people. Their reality is not yours! What do they have to do with YOU? There is always going to be someone better off and worse off than you. I promise you that.
    Quit being so afraid to fail. More times than not you have to fail (sometimes really big) to just find the right way to exist LET ALONE be successful. You just have to be willing to do whatever it takes to succeed. Dont overthinkg it! its not rocket science and I think you know that. Sounds like you are young. When you get my age (42) you are going to look back on right now and shake your head. It will be a good story for your children.

  2. Rebekah

    Thank you, Sean. I absolutely needed reminding of these things.

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