Yesterday, anxiety crushed me, and I’m still struggling against it today. I’m not sure about what forms the bedrock of that anxiety, though I suspect it is a lack of faith, both in myself and in Divine benevolence and providence.
I definitely understand the lack of faith in myself, because I look around at my friends and former classmates and I feel so small and so behind and so worthless because I feel like they’re so much further along in their lives than I am. They are chasing dreams, living independently, getting married, buying houses, and having children. I’m not there. I’m so not there. I don’t even know how to get to most of those places from here.
I am not sure what’s at the root of my lack of faith in Divine benevolence and providence. I have no idea, but I’m going to keep digging until I find out.
I wish I knew how to truly relate and connect to more than one local. I do better when I get to see and hang out with friends in person.
Though I’ve dreamed of it since I learned to write, I often feel like I can’t be a writer. More specifically, I used to want to be a novelist, and still, deep down, I want to. The blank page scares me. Shitty first drafts scare me. I feel like I have no stories to tell, nothing to say through characters, plot, and setting. And, yet, I write all the time. I’m finding, through 21.5.800, that it is ridiculously easy for me to write 800 words in a day. That’s, like, morning pages and a blog post, or morning pages and the pre-bed paper journal mental dump. I cranked out over six hundred in a fifteen minute free write half an hour ago. If only I could apply that to writing around a cohesive theme, be that fiction or nonfiction, something that I could turn into a book. I’m working on it, on trying to show up, then, perhaps later this week, on trying to just let a story come through free of judgments. I’ll see how it goes. Mainly, I just want to show up.
I haven’t had an adequate dose of nature time since April. I get cranky, anxious, and weepy if I don’t get adequate time alone outdoors. I’m not a fun person to be around right now, least to say.
I am tired, so I think I’ll take my leave.