Posts Tagged With: faith

Emotional Overdrive and Sunday’s Serendipitous Sign

Wood, found on railroad tracks, which looks to me like an angel's wing. 12/4/2011. Canon A 3300 IS.

Wood, found on railroad tracks, which looks to me like an angel’s wing. 12/4/2011. Canon A 3300 IS.

These days I feel on emotional overdrive.  I care about everything, and everyone around me, even when I don’t want to.  Tears well up easily.

It’s like my heart has vacated its space behind the protection of my rib cage and breastbone, and has risen to the surface to rest just below the thinnest layer of skin, and refuses any sturdier protection.

The old familiar walls refuse to go up, and crumble as fast as I try to build them.

Yet, in the midst of the vulnerability and tears, I am finding a glimmer of fearlessness that I didn’t know I had.  Things that used to frighten me, I mean really scare the daylights out of me, are getting easier…Like opening myself to compassion to everyone, even when I don’t want to…Like allowing myself to be vulnerable with other people present…Like not being perfect, or not being exactly what other people want me to be.

I went for a walk yesterday around my neighborhood, and cutting down the train tracks I spotted the piece of wood up there, shaped by weather and where it had landed and who knows what else, to resemble an angel’s wing, and I can’t help but feel it echoes the feather I found on the beach, photographed, and spoke of in this post.  It feels like a good, serendipitous sign that I’m on the right track.  (Pun intended, given where I found it.)

Something good is rising, I can feel it.

Categories: Photographs, Stories | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

A Sign That It’s All Going to Be Alright

Feather on the beach at the lake. Taken 8/27/2011.

Feather on the beach at the lake. Taken 8/27/2011.

The day I took that photograph, I had been unemployed for two months.

I had been going around and around in the same fearful, anxiety-fueled circles for weeks, getting myself ever further into a mire, and decided the best way to get some relief was to take a trip to the lake.  Nature, and particularly this lake, is sacred space to me.  I took my journal, my camera, and a couple books and decided to see what Nature would say.

I kicked my shoes off and took a walk along the beach, wading barefoot in the water’s edge.  Up ahead I could see a small flock of ducks gathered by some driftwood.  I raised my camera and took their picture.

At the same time, I felt something brush across the top of my foot.  It was this feather.  I watched the lake lap at it a couple of times, then took the picture.

In that moment I got the answer I went for.  To me, this small gift said, “Don’t lose hope.  Keep faith.  It’s all going to be alright.”

Not even a week later, I was employed.  My new position is far from perfect, but I have been blessed to form fast friendships with my coworkers and feel like I’m gaining some momentum and direction again.  I feel like, one way or another, it’s all going to be alright.

Categories: Photographs, Stories | Tags: , , , , , | 3 Comments

Not the Solstice Celebration I Had Planned, But There Is Hope

So, today is the Summer Solstice, the longest day, the most hours of daylight…All sorts of astrological and spiritual and seasonal significance attributed to this day.

I had grand plans of taking a picnic supper up to the lake this evening, walking along the beach area, wading out and releasing a couple of tiger lilies to float as a sort of offering, and perhaps saying a special prayer.

Then this morning found me at work quietly falling apart at my desk, waiting for my boss to come so I would have to force myself to buck up and get on with things.  The anxiety crept up, then slammed me flat.  I hate that.  I hate how it makes me feel like I’m smothering.  I hate all the awful self-talk, and feeling tiny and terrified.  Most of it, when I’m not in the throws of it, is baseless, but some of it isn’t.  Some of what makes me feel so anxious and terrified are things beyond my control.

If I leap, will the proverbial net indeed appear?  I don’t know.  That’s out of my control, other than the financial cushion I’ll have firmly secured to my figurative posterior, which may prove to be sufficient cushioning for any blows or may not.   How will my family react?  Not well, assuredly, but how badly will they take it when I finally say I must leave, and that there isn’t anyone to go with me?   I don’t know.  I have no control over that.  I don’t even entirely understand why they’re so hell-bent on keeping me rooted here.

Oh, and the old favorite: what am I going to do with my life?  Always in a career sense, and I am still unsure.  There are things I’d like to do, but they will not be profitable at this point.  I have miles to go before I reach them, so what to do in the meantime?  Yet another question I can’t answer from where I’m sitting.

I like plans.  I like solid, logically-defensible plans.  That’s probably why I find leaps of faith so terrifying.  And isn’t it a fine line between a leap of faith and a flight of fancy?

By the time work was over, I again wanted to carry through my original solstice plan.  Even more so, actually.  But, I got in the car and the radio was broadcasting a severe thunderstorm warning for the county as the sirens went off downtown also heralding that.  The storm clouds were already rolling in.  The plan was again aborted.  The lake here is not someplace you want to be when there’s a storm rolling in.  Trust me.

So, here I sit.  I’ve done a short restorative yoga practice.  I’ve surpassed my 800 words for 21.5.800 today.  (Keep in mind, I’m a week behind in the challenge, but keeping up on the daily level.)  I have a soy candle lit on my altar, a willow blossom scented white one.  My sheets were dried in the sun yesterday and still hold its scent.  Clouds and drizzle are outside my window.

In a bit, I will take a nice long bath.  I will ponder the good things that the anxiety shook loose, things I’m unsure of sharing  just yet.  In honor of the first day of summer and sandal weather, I will give myself a mani-pedi, painting my nails fire engine red.  I will write in my journal.  I will listen to Placebo‘s Battle for the Sun, because right now I need it.  I will consciously breathe.

Tonight I will pray, and I will sleep and I will dream, holding hope and faith with both hands.

Categories: 21.5.800, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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